We Are Not Home Yet

My heart aches. 

I am not the kind of person that wears their heart on their sleeve.  I keep it nicely tucked inside, with my feelings right next to it.  I much prefer it that way.  Even the people who know me the very best in this world have probably only seen my raw emotion a few times.

But the events of yesterday have made this heart of mine so very heavy, though you probably wouldn't know it.  I haven't posted about it on Facebook.  I haven't sat with my family or friends and cried over the tragedy that unfolded.  I shed a few tears as I watched about 20 minutes of coverage yesterday morning, and then I turned off the TV.  I just couldn't watch any more of it.  It hurt my heart too much.

It hurt because as a mother of a kindergartener, I imagined what it would be like to receive that phone call.  As a former kindergarten teacher, I imagined what it would be like to see the terror in the 20 or so little faces that I taught and loved as evil walked into our classroom.  I imagined what it felt like  yesterday for those parents, children, teachers, staff members, police officers, EMT workers, and members of the community of Newtown, Connecticut and it made me sick to my stomach.

Why?  Why???  It is not fair.  I don't want to even imagine those things, and yet there are hundreds of families right now who have the unthinkable as their reality. 

And so I turned off the TV.  I went on about my day as "normal", though my mind never strayed far away from these events.  I ran a couple of errands.  I picked up my smiling kindergartener from school.  We came home and watched a Christmas movie...because I didn't want him to see the news coverage.  I'm simply not ready to answer his questions yet.  I'm not even sure I know how.

We had dinner.  Later in the night, I rocked my baby to sleep as I whispered to him that I loved him to the moon and back.  I watched a movie with my five year old, snuggled up on the couch, then his Daddy tucked him in to bed.  And when he woke up at 2:30 in the morning, I pulled him into bed with me and we slept in until 8:00 this morning.  As we watched morning cartoons, I hugged him oh so tight...until he asked me when I would let him get down and go play.  And that's not fair.

No family should be broken apart by the evil that showed up in Newtown yesterday.  Those families should be picking their children up safely from school, tucking them in at night, snuggling with them, and sleeping in on Saturday morning.  But they can't.

On December 14, 2012 their worlds were crushed.  Their days will not be merry and bright this season.  They will be dark and dim.  This will not be the most wonderful time of the year for them.  It will be filled with sadness, and loss, and despair.  As so many of the rest of us are celebrating this Christmas, they will be lost in grief, wondering if they will ever climb out of the dark hole that this tragedy has created for them...or if they will ever want to.  And that's not fair.

Why did this happen?  Why do we live in a world where someone could even fathom doing something like this?  Why do these families have to suffer?  I don't have the answers.  I just don't know.

But when tragedies like this occur, I am reminded of something.  Two and a half years ago I sat in the memorial service for Ava Bright, a sweet friend of Chandler's who went to heaven far too soon.  During her service, the pastor was asking "Why?"  And his answer was this...We are not home yet.

I know many of you reading this may not believe that.  But I do, with my whole heart.  This is not our home.  We are not home yet.

My prayer for the families suffering right now is that they will receive some comfort in this.  My prayer is that, though they will never have a "normal" life here on Earth again, God will begin to heal their broken hearts piece by piece.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
~Revelation 21:4~

Till next week friends.

Brittany